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| It Seems So Easy In My Mind By Andrew Gable |
I see that I very much want to place my trust in others
because I have a romantic idea of trust where, in my mind, I see the perfect
trust as: trusting that others will always do the ‘right’ thing within
considering what would have the best outcome for everyone. Looking deeper, I see that within this ‘best’
or ‘right’ outcome, that the person should/would consider the experiences,
thoughts, emotions, feelings, and reactions of all the individuals that are
included-in and/or are effected by what one does as to not create conflict,
problems, or ‘hurting another’s feelings’.
I realize that my romantic ideal of Trust is not realistic nor is it
practical and I understand that it is impossible to ‘make everyone happy’ in
their minds and I have also come to realize that we are responsible for our
individual experiences, thoughts, feelings, and reactions – and here, instead
of allowing myself to be aware of how my thoughts, words, and actions affect
others and directing myself from that awareness, I have gone into the opposite
polarity of abdicating my responsibility to others by hoping and attempting to
trust that others will take responsibility for their experiences, thoughts,
emotions, feelings, and reactions, regardless of what myself and others say
and/or do. So, I have used information and knowledge with my romantic idea of
Trust and not done anything and still trusting that others will do the ‘right
thing’- I see that I have changed the context of my imagination in regards to
Trust in my mind rather than investigating Trust and looking at why I attempt
to place my trust in others when I have learned in real physical time that to
do so ends with self-dishonesty and self-distrust. It is clear, however, that I am required to
stop living out my mind-fantasy of Trust as something that exists separate from
me in my external world and use my imagination of Trust as a starting point for
self-communication and establishing self-trust that I will direct my words,
actions, and thoughts in a way that is best for all.
SELF-FORGIVENESS
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in others as to act-on
and/or act-in-response-to my romantic ideas, thoughts, imaginations, and
beliefs in relation to Trust – within this, I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself not to see and realize that forcing myself as my
mind onto others is me attempting to manipulate, control and influence others
with what I have come to believe is Perfect Trust – a belief and definition
that I constructed within/as/from the starting point of how I can benefit in
the best way for me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
try and make myself believe that others will always do the ‘right thing’ or
‘the best thing’, regardless that I observed and experienced
over-and-over-and-over-again that others rarely, if ever, do the ‘right thing’
or the ‘best thing’ as per my mind’s judgment of ‘what’s right’ or ‘what is
best’ and/or what is actually supportive for all – as an equal opportunity to
have a life worth living – in physical reality.
I have not allowed myself to see how messed up my version of Trust is –
it’s all about ME, what benefits ME, what’s right for ME, what’s best for ME,
ME, ME, ME!!! When all along, Trust has nothing to do with me as an individual
personality and everything to do with what is best for each and every one of us
as a group living here on Earth.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
believe and live by the principle that ‘what is best’ is to handle, be mindful
of, and direct situations where the outcome prevents conflict, emotional
turmoil, and/or any negativity on an individualized, personal level. My starting point here is not from actual
caring for someone’s reactions, it’s from my extensive hatred of conflict,
emotional outbursts, and blame-projections – to place it simply: It makes me
and/or the ‘others I Trust’ look bad if someone has a negative experience as a
result of something that me and/or the ‘Person That I Trust’, is perceived as
responsible for the negative outcome – and this is inconvenient for me because
I do not like ‘looking bad’ OR taking the time to go back, investigate ‘what
went wrong’, fix the mistakes myself and others have made, and work out
solutions that all are in agreement on.
So here, again, I defined ‘what’s best for all’ as ‘what’s best for ME’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
connect Trust to ‘making everyone happy’ where if I can do something in such a
way that ‘makes everyone happy’ with no negative reactions and/or outflows then
I see myself as being seen by others as Trustworthy and someone that others can
come to ‘make everything okay’.
Regardless of my awareness that it is not practical, realistic, nor
possible to ‘make’ anyone do/feel/think/be any way that I would like, I
continue to try. And within this, I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go to the opposite
polarity of giving up on others, wiping my hands clean of others and abdicating
my responsibility to others by saying, “I am not responsible for them. It’s not my fault they are reacting. It’s their responsibility to direct the
points that come up for them,” as if I should be able to do, say, and think as
a please and leave the consequential mess for someone else to sort through and
clean up.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself
to question why I place my Trust in others – regardless of the fact that
reality has shown me time-and-time-again that me placing my Trust in others
ends with me experiencing self-dishonesty and self-distrust, I do not
investigate why it’s not working out for me and I do not test out other ways of
being. It’s become automatic where I
want to give others my trust to such an extent that it’s a physical expression
of handing someone my heart, myself as everything I believe and stand-for, and
my life – I want someone to prove that my imagination of Perfect Trust is real
and I’m willing to give up pieces of myself as Life as physical substance to
get this proof. Here I have not seen the
obvious: that I am filtering this desire/want/need through and as my mind as
indicated by my willingness to give up pieces of myself as Life so that I can
maintain and hold-onto an illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
live out my mind-fantasy of Trust as something that can be found in the
external world that’s separate from me rather than allowing myself to see,
explore, learn for myself what Trust really is and how it can be applied in the
external world, via my actions and decisions, that are best for all. If I had not allowed myself to become
distracted by trying to find Trust ‘somewhere out there’, I may have seen and
realized that I could have just as easily worked on developing Trust within,
as, and for myself by allowing myself to listen-to, communicate-with, and build
a relationship-with myself.
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