Day 87: Review, Release, Redefine, Rescript, Recommit
Over the past couple of days that I have not written in my JTL, I
have moved from trying to keep myself together amongst the chaos, to
being completely unstable and requiring immediate support,
to then writing in-private what I had experienced of myself and what I
have become since writing my last JTL entry. With some assistance, I
was able to see that I am not living my self-commitments and I am not
letting go of my addictions, characters, my Ego, excuses,
justifications, reasons, blames, expectations and backchats.
From here, I see it as best for myself to move back-ward to the beginning of my JTL blogs, review my process, and re-commit myself with self-commitments that can be practically lived.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety for not writing in my Journey To Life blog because I do not want to be seen negatively by others as not doing the work, not pushing myself, lost within chaos of myself, and in-need of intervention. Instead of seeing that this is myself projecting my judgement, self-doubt, and dis-trust of myself onto others, I separated myself from these points that came up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure because I could not see clearly during this time when I saw my life in absolute chaos and clouded by backchats that I had made a self-commitment to not allow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being weak because I required assistance and support from another outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure because I am not applying the tools that I have learned and living my self-commitments.
I see that I am creating this chaos because I do not want to let go of my need for speed, my addictions, my characters, my false independence, my judgements and the lies that I have created myself as because this is how I have survived and gotten to where I am in this world system of money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety when I imagine myself without my speed, my addictions, my characters, the independence and strength that I project, my judgement calls, and the lies that I have created myself to be – in my mind, I see myself as not being able to support my family, having nothing to fall back on within my system of survival, and having to face disappointment and failure because I did not ‘make it in this world’. I panic and immediately tell myself, “This is impossible. I must have these things. No one is going to bail me out – there is no other option for me. So, to get through this – I must continue as I have and not change a thing.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paralyzed with fear when I consider a future that does not include myself moving fast, thinking fast, being on drugs that assist me in moving faster and/or finding replacement for these drugs such as sugars to maintain alertness and the appearance of being a ‘positive force’.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I use memories of myself as I was before I developed myself to be a ‘hard-working machine’ where within these memories I recall how others within my working world reacted negatively to me and wanted to fire me and so from these memories, I decide day-after-day to never be this person at any cost and that I will do whatever it takes to be successful.
In my next entry, I will begin the process of going back to Day 1 of my Journey To Life, reviewing my commitments, looking at where I have not been effective and why, and then assisting and supporting myself with re-writing my self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments when and as it is relevant to me practically walking my process back to here.
From here, I see it as best for myself to move back-ward to the beginning of my JTL blogs, review my process, and re-commit myself with self-commitments that can be practically lived.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety for not writing in my Journey To Life blog because I do not want to be seen negatively by others as not doing the work, not pushing myself, lost within chaos of myself, and in-need of intervention. Instead of seeing that this is myself projecting my judgement, self-doubt, and dis-trust of myself onto others, I separated myself from these points that came up.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as a failure because I could not see clearly during this time when I saw my life in absolute chaos and clouded by backchats that I had made a self-commitment to not allow.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being weak because I required assistance and support from another outside of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as a failure because I am not applying the tools that I have learned and living my self-commitments.
I see that I am creating this chaos because I do not want to let go of my need for speed, my addictions, my characters, my false independence, my judgements and the lies that I have created myself as because this is how I have survived and gotten to where I am in this world system of money
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience fear and anxiety when I imagine myself without my speed, my addictions, my characters, the independence and strength that I project, my judgement calls, and the lies that I have created myself to be – in my mind, I see myself as not being able to support my family, having nothing to fall back on within my system of survival, and having to face disappointment and failure because I did not ‘make it in this world’. I panic and immediately tell myself, “This is impossible. I must have these things. No one is going to bail me out – there is no other option for me. So, to get through this – I must continue as I have and not change a thing.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be paralyzed with fear when I consider a future that does not include myself moving fast, thinking fast, being on drugs that assist me in moving faster and/or finding replacement for these drugs such as sugars to maintain alertness and the appearance of being a ‘positive force’.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that I use memories of myself as I was before I developed myself to be a ‘hard-working machine’ where within these memories I recall how others within my working world reacted negatively to me and wanted to fire me and so from these memories, I decide day-after-day to never be this person at any cost and that I will do whatever it takes to be successful.
In my next entry, I will begin the process of going back to Day 1 of my Journey To Life, reviewing my commitments, looking at where I have not been effective and why, and then assisting and supporting myself with re-writing my self-forgiveness, self-correction, and self-commitments when and as it is relevant to me practically walking my process back to here.
