Day 23: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part Two

Here I begin the Self-Forgiveness for Day 22: Myself as a Diminished Version of Those Who Have Gone Before Me - Part One

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore others basic physical needs for protection from the cold and shelter because I tell myself that MY needs must come first.  I have seen but not cared that I have programmed myself to look out and/or attend to the needs of #1 - me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have programmed and created myself to look out for myself and my self-interests before all else because I have allowed myself to learn from others, my world, and my thoughts that, 'no one is going to take care of me and/or put me first, so I must take care of me and put myself first', 'it's a dog-eat-dog world and all others will get eaten before I do', and 'I am responsible for me and no-one else'.  I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that I have used my responsibility for myself as a back-door out of my responsibility for others when I tell myself and communicate to others, "They will have to live out their own consequences." Where 'They' are those that I am responsible for because 'They' are physically and/or intellectually not-able/not developed to practically and realistically be responsible for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell myself that other people, animals, plants, work-related responsibilities, household responsibilities, and all commitments can wait until I am done doing what I am doing, until I am done with what I had previously set out to do, until I feel good/better/productive in the moment, and/or done with whatever I have placed in my self-interested 'Value Queue' first. I have seen and not cared  that I will always create 'something else' that is more important for me to be doing as a means to avoid and ignore the fact that I do not and have not wanted to do anything for anyone/anything outside of myself that does not directly and mostly immediately serve my own purposes from moment to moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself functioning and living in this self-centered pattern/program/behavior from outside of my Ego.  I was not able to see the extent of the damage I have caused and continue to cause as a result of myself being completely and 100% 'caught up' in my thoughts as what has happened to ME, what has been/could be done to ME, how I could have changed others and specific events as to benefit ME and  how I can change ME as my personality, communications, manipulations, and physical appearance to get what I want/desire as an outcome for attention, recognition, appreciation, respect and/or advancement for the 'next time'.

Artwork by Marlen Vargas Del Razo

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience the heavy weight of remorse and guilt upon realizing that I had 'messed up' via memories and pictures that I am walking, where within this state, I allowed myself to experience a nakedness and exposure without which I reacted with fear and insecurity within.  As I have continued to walk within this state, I have put my guard up as I wrap my arms around the front of my body throughout my day and avoid making eye contact because I see myself, at the moment, as a threat until I get myself sorted out.  Within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry, fear, and feel obligated to others outside of myself who give me the 'I can see you're not okay and I'm worried'  feedback which I interpret as attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry and feel obligated to others because I fear that I will lose them if I do not allow myself to show them that I am happy in their presence - I am aware of my commitment to myself to limit myself and within that awareness, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to consider breaking my commitment to appease, please, relieve, and/or allow another to think/believe/have hope that their efforts are making me 'better' and 'happy'.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that I do not 'care' nor desire to demonstrate what I have defined as 'loving behaviors' as smiling, laughing, holding, communicating and/or attending to the needs of other people, animals, plants, or anything else in my world outside of myself unless I see there is a potential for MY loss.

Within this, I forgive myself that I have not accepted nor allowed myself to be aware of the fear indicators that I energetically inject into my physical body as anxiety, panic, and stress when I am in conflict with myself and another as/in Love - where, because I see myself as obligated within my Fear of Loss and thus hate, become spiteful, and blame the other that I LOVE, as backchat, where I tell myself that another is making me feel fear and thus making me change from being self-centered to having to focus on another.  Thus, seeing this blame and spite and bringing it back to myself, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that within my walking, writing, and self-forgiveness to understand what LOVE IS and what it COULD BE, that I am scared of losing myself as everything that I have created myself to be as a defense against the threat of realizing what real love is when I change from being self-centered within my mind to actually considering and living what is best for others as what I require equally for myself.

Continued in the next blog.