I see today that I have a fear and anxiety of being 'left out'. I realize that this fear of being left out is further perpetuated by my fear of not 'being special'. When I allow this fear, I see that I become jealous and confused because I have allowed myself to become comfortable, accepting and anticipatory of getting attention and validation of my presence. The confusion comes when I am not the center of attention or when I see that others around me are not including me, specifically, within their conversations and/or discussions. The jealousy comes as a reaction to the confusion because within myself as my mind and as I've programmed myself to be does not correlate with me not getting attention. I have driven myself to be special, different, an 'ace', and a brightly shining star among the others that I see as less than me. When I see another as shining more brightly than myself, as gauged by the attention that they are getting, I become jealous. I want to see that person fail so that I can ensure my place as 'next in-line to the throne' so that I can be the one to be validated.
When writing this out, I see how completely messed up this is. Why do I need to be validated? Why do I need to be special? Why do I need to be better? How is it that I've allowed myself to place myself as more important than others outside of myself? How is it, within walking my process within the principles of what is best for all, can I continue to allow myself to participate within this cycle of wanting more for myself and less for others?
I do not want to see it. I do want to see that my wanting for more for myself and less than others is directly reflected back to me within my world. I see how I've said, 'screw you' to the rest of the world and not cared about what's happening here, for real, as long as my own self-interest and my obsession with myself as successfully getting what I need out of this life is appeased.
Within this realization of myself, I have directed myself to clear myself within breathing and stop myself from reacting to myself not 'getting attention' so that I can observe and listen to others outside of myself. As I breath, I see that this is a point that requires self-forgiveness and self-correction.
After reading my self-forgiveness out-loud, I suggest to myself to direct myself within practical living, self-correction as follows:
When and as I see that I am becoming fearful of being left out, I stop. I breath. I am aware that my fear within myself as my mind of being left out is my self-created response to my accepted and allowed pre-programmed fear of survival. I see that by allowing myself to fear not being welcomed, validated, or special within 'the group', that I have been allowing myself to separate myself from others outside of myself and thus missing opportunities to see how and what others are seeing. I no longer allow myself to miss out on an opportunity to see and understand myself and my world within the lives of others by becoming distracted by my fear of survival. I place two feet on the floor, I focus, I push, and I remain here within breath. I commit myself to direct myself to remove my accepted and allowed system of survival and I do this by writing out my fears and speaking self-forgiveness for my fears.
When and as I see that I am valuing or de-valuing myself and others outside of myself within the polarity points of 'best' or 'not as good', I stop. I breath. I see that this system of value that I have created within myself as a means to attain my self-interested achievements leads to no where. I push myself to see, regard, and take a stand for what is here as life. I no longer allow myself to consume for the sake of consuming nor abuse for the sake of abusing, because I have told myself that 'I can'. From here, I commit myself to considering all that I use and/or consume within what I understand to be the best for all. Abuse, I do not allow it as I am absolutely certain that it is not what's best for anyone or anything and thus I direct myself to remove abuse from my life, the lives of others, and this world.
When and as I see myself as placing myself as 'special', 'unique', 'amazing', 'incredible', 'a star', a 'savior', or any other placement of myself that is not equal to those outside of myself - I stop. I no longer allow myself to separate myself from others with words or fantasies of myself as being supreme. I breath. I place myself as equal and one to, with, within, and as others. I commit myself to removing words, pictures, memories, and future projections of myself from myself that are not equal and one with myself and others outside of myself. I commit myself to standing equal to all that exist here.
When and as I see myself as not wanting others to have what I want for myself, I stop. I breath. I stop making enemies within myself as my secret mind. I stop separating others from myself within myself as my secret mind. As I observe my world, I see that the wars and killing exist because it exists within me - when and as wars, killing, and making enemies no longer exist in me, they will no longer exist in the world because I will not allow it, from myself or anyone outside of myself. I commit myself to removing the back-chat, evil, demonic, and self-soothing thoughts that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me as my secret-mind - here, I self-commit myself to expose my secret mind to myself as I write and say self-forgiveness so that I can direct myself to stop and live within a correction that is best for all.
When writing this out, I see how completely messed up this is. Why do I need to be validated? Why do I need to be special? Why do I need to be better? How is it that I've allowed myself to place myself as more important than others outside of myself? How is it, within walking my process within the principles of what is best for all, can I continue to allow myself to participate within this cycle of wanting more for myself and less for others?
I do not want to see it. I do want to see that my wanting for more for myself and less than others is directly reflected back to me within my world. I see how I've said, 'screw you' to the rest of the world and not cared about what's happening here, for real, as long as my own self-interest and my obsession with myself as successfully getting what I need out of this life is appeased.
Within this realization of myself, I have directed myself to clear myself within breathing and stop myself from reacting to myself not 'getting attention' so that I can observe and listen to others outside of myself. As I breath, I see that this is a point that requires self-forgiveness and self-correction.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being 'left out' and thus experience anxiety and worry within myself as my mind where I panic and tell myself that I am not 'good enough' to be included.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I am not 'as good' as others and so I push myself to create myself as a person whom I see 'as better' than others.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being special, important, the star, the best or the center of attention.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to be aware that my fear of not being special, important, the star, the best, or the center of attention is a product of my fear of not surviving where if I have not secured my place within this world, as validated by others, that I will not survive here.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that I have equated being special, important, the star, being the best, and being the center of attention with survival in that if I am all of these that makes me unique, I improve my chances of earning money and the support of those that will protect me and thus secure my survival within this world system as it exists.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my acceptance and allowance of my self-created system of survival within and as me indicates my acceptance and allowance of the system of survival outside of me. As within, as without. As above, so below.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to stop feeding the system of survival by allowing the system of survival to exist, grow, and flourish within and as me.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become jealous of those outside of myself that I see as having 'more' than me.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be directed by myself as my mind as I participate within this world from a point of jealousy and so direct myself within my own self-interest toward what is best for myself and not considering what is best for all that is here.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that jealousy is created from within myself as my mind's perspective of ownership and what is 'owed' to me - in that I see that others getting what I want for myself as taking away from what -I- own and/or what is owed to -me- simply by being the special person that I am.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as owning or being owed anything or anyone outside of myself.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be owned or desiring to be owned by anything or anyone outside of myself as both a means of abdication of my responsibility for myself and validating my presence as real and valued.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be 'less than' what can be bought, traded, stolen, or validated as real or having value within the process of ownership as it currently exists within and outside me.
- I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be obsessed with owning and/or claiming for myself what is here so that others cannot have it.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see that my obsession with proving my superiority over others outside of myself has only one end result: I end up with a bunch of useless, broken, or expiration-programmed shit that I have no practical, daily use for.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and be aware that my obsession with myself within my own self-interest leads to no where - in the end, there is nothing of real, actual value within this system as it currently exists as it does not support all life. When reflecting the system that I have accepted and allowed back to myself, I see that there is nothing of real, actual value within and as myself as I currently exist if I do not support all life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to support a system that supports the disregard for life so that I may continue to support myself within my self-interest and disregard for all life.
- I forgive myself for not accepting nor allowing myself to see and be aware that as long as I am jealous and seeking outside validation for myself through attention, ownership, and being given what I have seen myself as earning, that I am not in support of life, in fact, and that I cannot be trusted with life.
After reading my self-forgiveness out-loud, I suggest to myself to direct myself within practical living, self-correction as follows:
When and as I see that I am becoming fearful of being left out, I stop. I breath. I am aware that my fear within myself as my mind of being left out is my self-created response to my accepted and allowed pre-programmed fear of survival. I see that by allowing myself to fear not being welcomed, validated, or special within 'the group', that I have been allowing myself to separate myself from others outside of myself and thus missing opportunities to see how and what others are seeing. I no longer allow myself to miss out on an opportunity to see and understand myself and my world within the lives of others by becoming distracted by my fear of survival. I place two feet on the floor, I focus, I push, and I remain here within breath. I commit myself to direct myself to remove my accepted and allowed system of survival and I do this by writing out my fears and speaking self-forgiveness for my fears.
When and as I see that I am valuing or de-valuing myself and others outside of myself within the polarity points of 'best' or 'not as good', I stop. I breath. I see that this system of value that I have created within myself as a means to attain my self-interested achievements leads to no where. I push myself to see, regard, and take a stand for what is here as life. I no longer allow myself to consume for the sake of consuming nor abuse for the sake of abusing, because I have told myself that 'I can'. From here, I commit myself to considering all that I use and/or consume within what I understand to be the best for all. Abuse, I do not allow it as I am absolutely certain that it is not what's best for anyone or anything and thus I direct myself to remove abuse from my life, the lives of others, and this world.
When and as I see myself as placing myself as 'special', 'unique', 'amazing', 'incredible', 'a star', a 'savior', or any other placement of myself that is not equal to those outside of myself - I stop. I no longer allow myself to separate myself from others with words or fantasies of myself as being supreme. I breath. I place myself as equal and one to, with, within, and as others. I commit myself to removing words, pictures, memories, and future projections of myself from myself that are not equal and one with myself and others outside of myself. I commit myself to standing equal to all that exist here.
When and as I see myself as not wanting others to have what I want for myself, I stop. I breath. I stop making enemies within myself as my secret mind. I stop separating others from myself within myself as my secret mind. As I observe my world, I see that the wars and killing exist because it exists within me - when and as wars, killing, and making enemies no longer exist in me, they will no longer exist in the world because I will not allow it, from myself or anyone outside of myself. I commit myself to removing the back-chat, evil, demonic, and self-soothing thoughts that I have accepted and allowed to exist within me as my secret-mind - here, I self-commit myself to expose my secret mind to myself as I write and say self-forgiveness so that I can direct myself to stop and live within a correction that is best for all.
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